Jesm's Journals

So, I'm Excited.

Because Ozzy Osbourne is touring in Australia next March, for the first time in 11 years. One Sydney show only. & I'm pretty damn sure I will be attending. Therefore, I FUCKING WIN! I hope. Well... I'm off to the dr's. Most uncool. Oh well. Maybe my Essential Plato will make me feel better? It's despicably hot right now, it's driving me nuts. Icky.

How Many Times Do I Have To Die?

Is there a person here who understands why it is that the people who "love" us are the ones that are sure to inflict the most mental, emotional & possibly even physical pain?
Sure, I understand the idea that because we feel so strongly for them, every tiny let down feels like your soul is playing host to its own private apocalypse, but does that really explain the damage we do to each other? Or is it perhaps nothing more than a logical explanation that we use as a scapegoat, to mask our true intentions?: We are all Miserable.
I want you to be as miserable as I am, & I won't relent until you too hate yourself & want to die.

Sometimes, It feels as though the agony we visit upon each other is completely premeditated.
Calculated fastidiously to hit that tender spot, to make sure it really fucking slices through the bones.
All plans revised, & revised again. No room for error in the latest war strategy.
I sometimes even catch myself doing it.
"If I wear THAT dress, it's SURE to make him insane with jealousy!"
I am forced to stop & ask myself, WHY do I want him to be jealous?
Is it because I want him to see how lucky he is to have me?
So he sees just how many men & women I can persuade into checking me out by revealing a particular feature? How I can make them intrigued, "I wonder what she's like..."
Do I want him to think that he is disposable? That I can have someone else If he pisses me off enough?
Maybe I want him to think I'm looking for someone else in the hopes that he will double his attentions & affections toward me in a desperate bid to keep me?
Do I do it so that I dont make HIM jealous, but others jealous that I am with him. Do I want him to be proud of me?
I'm never really certain what my true motivation is.
I like to think that it is because I want his pride & adoration, that I want others to be jealous of HIM, but who am I kidding?
I'm not exactly the best looking girl around, & I'm sure he could find someone far more physically attractive.
Which always leaves me with the somewhat unpleasant conclusion of "I want him to see that other people desire me, so that he will still desire me, & I want to feel desired."...
Dressing sexily is a fantastic way for me to highlight my shockingly low self esteem.
Because of this, I avoid going "out" as much as possible. Good thing I'm broke, It's a great excuse. Sounds better than "I'm fat & my skin is breaking out & I have no breasts & everyone thinks I'm ugly"
Bottom line, I'm miserable with who I am & what I look like, & I want him to be miserable too.

Another Idea is that its simply a bizarre mating ritual people have concocted over the years.
You fuck with each others feelings.
You fight.
You fuck.
Which would suggest to me that people are incredibly angry beings, & need to be able to express rage in an appropriate manner (sex) or we go insane & start really fucking things up, & that anger is an incredible aphrodisiac.
People like to be angry.
It feels good to hurt things.
It feels good to have rage sex.

Whatever the reason, my masochist loves it, my sadist hates & loves it, my feminist REALLY hates it, my depression couldn't give a shit, nothing matters anyway cos we're all rotting meat & the conscious me has no idea what to think.
I am tired & I have a headache.
I have just taken a serious blow to the heart from the one I love & who 'loves' me.
Oh, how he hurts me.
Hate doesn't even begin to cover how I feel about him sometimes.
But when I think about NOT having him... I feel ill. & afraid...The makings of an anxiety attack!
It must be love?
Or I'm really severely fucked up, & should look into more more therapy.
/shrug
goodnight.

Cut.

Cut

What a thrill ---
My thumb instead of an onion.
The top quite gone
Except for a sort of a hinge

Of skin,
A flap like a hat,
Dead white.
Then that red plush.

Little pilgrim,
The Indian's axed your scalp.
Your turkey wattle
Carpet rolls

Straight from the heart.
I step on it,
Clutching my bottle
Of pink fizz.

A celebration, this is.
Out of a gap
A million soldiers run,
Redcoats, every one.

Whose side are they on?
O my
Homunculus, I am ill.
I have taken a pill to kill

The thin
Papery feeling.
Saboteur,
Kamikaze man ---

The stain on your
Gauze Ku Klux Klan
Babushka
Darkens and tarnishes and when

The balled
Pulp of your heart
Confronts its small
Mill of silence

How you jump ---
Trepanned veteran,
Dirty girl,
Thumb stump.

-Sylvia Plath

...& Just To Prove I REALLY Am Bored...

You get to read (or not) mindless quiz things. This is your punishment for not entertaining me. THREE NAMES YOU GO BY: 1. Jess 2. Jessie 3. JESS-ca (people tend to drop the 'i' & accentuate the 'jess') THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU: 1. Needles 2. Sharks 3. Morbid Ideations THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS: 1. Music 2. Interwebs 3. Oxygen THREE THINGS YOUR WEARING 1. Purple pj pants 2. Jonathans Shirt 3. Jewellery THREE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS THAT YOU LOVE RIGHT NOW: 1. Say Anything 2. FOB 3. Marilyn Manson THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS: ..Right now: 1. Putting Holes In Happiness - Marilyn Manson 2. Big Balls - AC/DC 3. Bang The Doldrums - FOB ...& many others THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP: 1. Love 2. trust/security 3. patience/understanding TWO NAKED TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order): 1. I hate my body 2. I'm insecure 3. My toenails are black THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW: 1. Lose weight instantly 2. ANYTHING to kill this boredom 3. Cuddle up & watch a movie THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING: 1. Photographer 2. Make-up Artist 3. journalist THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION: 1. Ireland 2. New Zealand 3. Canada THREE NAMES YOU MIGHT GIVE YOUR CHILDREN: BOYS 1. Isaac 2. Seth 3. Hector GIRLS 1. Charlotte 2. Eva 3. Hannah (Or bronte, for my dad who grew up on & loved bronte beach) THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL/GUY: 1. I love shopping 2. I love Shoes 3. I wish i had HER body/face/life etc THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE NOT A STEREOTYPICAL GIRL/GUY: 1. I dont have a plethora of female friends. 2. I'd rather read a good book than go out & get absolutely shit-faced 3. I rarely wear make up.

Death At A Funeral.

This pretty much goes out to any Aussie readers, seeing as i'm sure it's too late to save the americans & pplainly too late to save the brits, who usually know how to get a good laugh.
heeeere we go!

My GOD.
What IS this shit that is being shoved in our faces under the guise of a film?
Death At A Funeral?
Fucking WOEFUL.
it's not intelligent.
it's not interesting.
it's not funny.
It's not even so awful that you can laugh at it.
& we gave them our money to punish us with this shit?
film maker /audience - Apparently the ultimate sadomasochist relationship around.
How insanely delusional must these people to be think that this is a great film, worth unleashing upon the masses? (...How insanely deluded I am to pretend that the masses wouldn't grasp at something like this & stare with wide eyed wonder?)

I felt confused, mildly horrified & quietly outraged as I sat through almost an hour of this torture (before we - my father & I - reached the utmost limits of our tolerance, & left), during which time, nothing really happened in the movie, & yet, for some strange reason that honestly escapes me, other movie goers were laughing hysterically...
wtf????.....????
I want to know what they were laughing at, dammit!
Right from the start of the credits, a woman in the middle isle of the cinema began snorting & chuckling to herself.
I must just be stupid. There must have been some joke I missed (& apparently many more during the feature).
There has to have been some secret hilarity in the predictable turns of the plot that I simply just didn't see.
If this isn't the case, I'm going to be even more disgusted than I currently am, because it will just drive the nail into to the coffin (Haha! Get it!? A funeral reference!) on the case against people.
Mindless, moronic people.
I felt like a freak because I was not giggling & snorting uncontrollably at the "humour" in the movie while those around me I feared would soon die from laughter...I think I even heard someone belly laugh. That did it.
I could not sit there a second longer in shameful, bemused, agony while these imbeciles cackled like hyenas around me. Stupidity is the enemy, & it was draining all my energy & making my head throb far worse than it had been when we purchased tickets to this abomination. They were trying to bring me to their level (oh look, my sense of superiority is showing itself! wave!) by making me so embarrassed for them that I felt obliged to laugh along with them, while simultaneously making me feel less intelligent & that I should laugh along so no one realises that i'm actually an idiot.
Thank god for my father.
I looked at him.
he looked at me.
We each pulled sickened faces & then we left. At least I wasn't alone in my disgust.
Nothing could have saved this movie for me.
Not even my love for Alan Tudyk.
A movie that by rights should have been amusing made me want to kill people.

If you're a person who considers themself to be possessed of some intelligence, save you're money & see something else.
...Lest you too find it necessary to rant in a blog about the proof that people are mindless, the waste of money & time (irretrievable time), the shitty state of parts of the film industry, & the delusions of man (yourself included even).

A film I AM going to get excited over is the first film installment of the novel trilogy by Phillip Pullman called "His Dark Materials"... I Believe the first film will be "The Golden Compass"..
Another movie I most certainly will be seeing is "I, Lucifer" another book adaptation written by Glen Duncan.
Oh how I love that book.
=D

Well. I'm done now. I've been writing this blog over a period of 5 hours, with many distractions & I don't know if this blog makes a whole lot of sense, or if I repeated myself continuously, & I don't care.
My headache is yet to fuck off & it's stinking hot. & Possibly about to rain.
So, peace out, yo.
In the wise words of Pete wentz, Keep Li/oving, & in my own words,
For the sake of all that is right & good, DO NOT see Death At A Funeral.
Unless you really want to.
Hey, you might even like it.
/shrug.

I've Got A 20 Dollar Bill That Says No One's Ever Seen You Without Make Up

...You're always made up...
Brand New are awesome.

As of one hour ago, I am enrolled to do my Certificate IV in Make up.
Professional make up artist, here I come...Then Photographer...Then Journalist.
I shall then combine all my awesome skills & become...
The ruler of Mankind.
"LOOOORD OF ALL HUMANS!"
My course begins in late January of 08, & I will need to do a minimum of 200 hours work experience over the four terms (roughly 5 hours per week.)
So, next year, if you're in the sydney area & you might have some work experience available, need an assistant, or wouldn't mind letting me tag along to watch, please let me know. I will be most grateful.
Or if you need a make up artist for your wedding!
I will get a bridal make up certificate (woo qualified!) in term two... hopefully around may.

Now, enough whoring myself.
I will put up pics from hinder sometime this week.
I just can't be fucked to it right this second...Not that anyone cares.
My back hurts & i'm tired.
(not that anyone cares.)

Big Day Out Sydney 08 tix went on sale this morning & I still cannot decide whether I should spend $130 on it...I fucking loathe how all the bands you really want to see are announced last & by then it's too late.
ahaha
bjork is going to be performing this year...

Maybe i'll just wait & see if my Boyfriend's Mother wins tickets like she did last year?
Yeah.
Stupid Christmas & birthdays.
/Sigh

God, I am so bored right now.
I need new books.
T_T
have a good rest of the week anyone who is unfortunate to read this!
apologies for wasting your time!

Get Your Motor Runnin' (But Only After You've Had "A Few Beers", Of Course.)

Well.
My black mood has yet to dissipate, & I am becoming increasingly certain that there is some conspiracy against me.
Everyone seems to be doing their absolute BEST to ensure my fire stays lit (come on baby, light my fire!).
'They' are succeeding, brilliantly.

Okay. Hinder. Pretty fucking awesome live. Support band was from brisbane I believe, Called Small Mercies.
They too were a good live band.
They particularly won me over when they incorporated some Black Dog lyrics into one of their songs.
Same as I rather enjoyed Hinders rendition of "Born To Be Wild."
Plus Austin reminds of Mick Jagger in a big way...Good showman, enthusiastic, Tall, thin, shoulder length dark hair & with a great voice.
If you get the opportunity to catch them live, I suggest you go for it, you wont be disappointed.

However, before Hinder, certain events took place that did not help my situation... for example;
I'm on my way to meet my sister, walking to the bus stop & minding my own damn business, & a bunch of fucking brainless, wastes of space start yelling at me from inside their "Fully Sick Car".
Yea, That's fantastic guys. I really love it when you display just how comprehensively you fail at existence.
NOTE: A lot of girls do not like it when you yell obscenities at them. It doesn't turn them on. It will not make them weak at the knees & desperate to climb into your car & suck your dick while your friends watch & wait impatiently for their turn. You are losers. Please, commit suicide immediately.

That was annoyance number one.

After I arrived at the vet (my sister is a nurse she, was working & we were leaving for hinder from there), no more than ten minutes had passed, before a man enters the waiting room.
This is a rough account of his statement when Viv went to see what the problem was:
(Insert loud, slurring voice & prominent australian accent)
"I woke up this morning & there was a 300 pound pig in my front yard.
then i went to the pub & had a few beers..."
(more words i couldn't quite make out from the back room)
by this time my sister has also gone out to see what the problem was. She returns, somewhat disgusted yet somehow amused.
I ask her what he said, & she then tells me the man is drunk off his face, had decided that it might be a great idea to go for a drive, & has hit a Tawny Frog Mouth Owl.
The bird is pretty much fucked.
The drunken asshole is then heard to say "No, I wanna come, I wanna see. Make sure it's gonna be ok...".
Yeah, that's fantastic, you stupid fuck. He wasn't allowed to "make sure it was ok".
According to Viv, the guy claimed that when he drove into the bird, it made such a loud & awful noise that it scared him.
I then watched as she injected Lethobarb into this gorgeous bird.
Euthanasia is not something I have any desire to witness ever again.
I understand that this bird was fucked beyond all help & to be euthanised was the quickest & most painless way for its suffering to be eased, but it shouldn't have been fucking suffering in the first place
& I sincerely wished that that man would wrap his car around a tree or telephone pole on his way home, or to the next pub or wherever it is that he was going.
There are plenty of humans, millions of drunks who would rise up & take his place.
Plenty of stupid, arrogant alcoholics who think that its ok for them to drive while being completely fucking wasted.
Imagine if he had hit a person?
Sure, I wouldn't have cared anywhere near as much.
If a person is stupid enough to walk on the streets blindly trusting the skill of the drivers around them, blindly trusting that because the law states that it is illegal to drive while under the influence, all the drivers are sober, that is their own problem.
But at least the cunt would have been punished for his fucking crime.
Then to top it off, Viv began playing with this bird's corpse.
Extending its wings, raking its talons at me
"oooh look at it's talons" /makes hissing noises & swipes at me.
I was nicely nauseated at this stage, & almost on the brink of tears of rage & sadness.
The injustice of the situation, & the apparent nonchalance of others was suffocating & infuriating. This creature just had its body utterly destroyed through no fault of its own, & then was made into a joke upon its death... & I can't explain why it fucked with me so much, because I am too goddamn tired.
I guess the moral of the story is some people are fucking worthless & ought to be killed, & I should never work in a veterinary hospital, because I would doubtless pull client details from the files & personally mete out punishment & justice to those who are in need of it, as determined by me.
Considering I hold the life of a single unfortunate owl in higher esteem than that of most people, & that working in a vet would grant me access to a fantastic amount of Lethobarb, I daresay there would be far less animal abusers & drunk drivers around.
...Hmm. On second thought, maybe I SHOULD work in a vet.
For those of you who have no idea what a tawny frog mouth looks like..:
That was infuriating & depressing event number two.
It pretty much fucked me up for the night.

We have now arrived at Luna Park.
Luna park it would seem has a store room tucked away somewhere, stocked with an endless supply of fat, ugly, hideously attired women, who wait until I have found a spot in which I am able to see reasonably well, & then run out, shove their way in front of me & proceed to wave their flabby, wobbly arms & sing/scream in some kind of terrifying parody of music.
& tall people. An endless supply of insanely tall people.
I don't have any real issue with overweight people or with tall people (apart from jealousy of their height)
but i've been having a really shitty time of late, & my god the insults were tearing at my teeth desperate to dripped into the ears of these irritating people.
how DARE they like the same band as Myself?!?
how FUCKING dare they want to get as close as possible!?
How fucking DARE they EXIST!?

Existence of others: Annoyance number three!

But the person at the hinder concert who gets the award for Biggest Dickhead has to go to the random guy who sees me, bounces his way over to me, stands half a foot away from me, spreads his legs, places his hands behind his head makes what I imagine he assumed to be alluring faces & then starts thrusting at me & gyrating his hips like he knew me, like he was the sexiest thing alive.
Like he wasn't about 5'3 tall & 24 years old.
at first, I was a little unsure if this was really happening or if I was just having nightmarish hallucinations.
He persisted in his effort for a full 5-7 seconds. If you count that in your head, that's a pretty long time to thrust at some girl who is standing there still as a post just staring at you like you're a fucking alien.
( a mix of shock, horror & awe. who the fuck does that?)
I still can't quite grasp that it happened, it seems so surreal.
In any case, whatever the dude was on, it gave him fantastic confidence, murdered many precious brain cells, & did little too improve his dancing skills.
But he's lucky he didn't touch me, for that would have served rather nicely for shaking me from my confused stupor, & his exposed groin would son have become intimately acquainted with my right knee.
I doubt anyone would have contested my right to do so.

& that was the last major irritation of my evening.
what a brilliant blog, eh?
It seems I sure am popular with randoms at the moment though...asian teens one night & disgustingly sleazy, fucked up men the next.
I'm so lucky.

It's Not Me, It's You. (Hey baby, You Pass Out Here Often?)

So. Paramore last night. Man, she has one Helluva voice... Maybe did a bit too much talking & not enough singing?
Hmm. Could be I was just in a foul mood & would have loved nothing more than for nearly everyone around me to simply drop dead. Yea...Yea i'd say that there is a definite possibility that that could be it. Paramore are good live. Lots of energy. Lots of moving & banging of heads to the music & jumping around (Which could explain the breaks from singing where much talking filled the void)

We Caught the last half of Hot Rod Circuit's set. They were pretty decent too. I was pissed off I missed Mayday Parade, but what you gonna do? We can't all be unemployed losers (like myself), & the people I was going with had to work until 8pm. Ah well.

Haha, still, even if they had sucked live (which, they did not. Hurrah!), it was worth attending last night just for this:
Viv & I are standing on the top step at the DJ booth, as usual, seeing as I'm damn tiny & cant see sweet fuck all unless I'm standing on something, when, out of the blue, this asian girl, probably about 15 or 16, staggers UP the steps to us, half wraps her arm around my legs & half grabs my ass, then face plants into the closed door of the DJ booth...her head then slides down the door & faces the floor. It is at this point that Viv hurriedly makes an exit from the tangle of arms & legs & torso...It took me a second to realise what her problem was... then it dawned on me.
This is pretty much my thought pattern for the 15 seconds or so it took for this hilariousness to take place. -"HUH, wtf? who the fuck is touching me"

-"Uhhh, why is there a girl wrapped around our legs?"

-"Oh FUCK, she just hit her head!"

/shock & concern

-"Hey, where is viv going? "

/confusion, followed shortly by the awful realisation

-"Aww FUCK, she's gonna SPEW!"

-"FUCK! FUCK! My shoes are canvas & have holes in them!"

/insert horrified face

-"I'm gonna need new shoes! & maybe jeans! NOOO!"

/holds onto girl so she doesn't fall onto stairs & desperately tries to get out from underneath her while trying not to fall on her or fall over or be vomited on by an absolute stranger.

-"Oh thank god, she didn't vomit on me"

/looks down

-"Holy shit. She's unconscious. I am holding an unconscious teenage girl in my arms."

/stunned

"Oh god...How hard did she hit her head? Maybe she's just really drunk somehow? Is she older than she looks?"

/tries to see if girl is wearing a wristband (Roundhouse are pretty thorough when it comes to determining legal age... Sometimes.)

/girl suddenly regains consciousness

"Oh, what? shit! (looks up at me, dazed & confused), Did I fall over?"

Me: "Yes. Yes you did."

By this time, Viv has near pissed herself laughing. I failed to see the amusement in the situation at first, having just been groped & passed out on by someone who knocked their head on a pretty sturdy door. I was still in "WTF JUST FUCKING HAPPENED!?" mode.
Turns out, she wasn't drunk, she just fainted. From the heat? From some uncontrollable desire for me? There certainly were a lot of young lesbian couples in attendance...Or perhaps she fainted simply from the sheer excitement of being in the same room with Paramore? I will never know.
All I know is she had a friend named Michelle who was absent at the time of staggering & unconsciousness, & that her face left a print on the door where she hit it.
Once Viv pointed this out to me, I took up laughing too.

If the mystery girl by some freak chance reads this, Thanks for shocking me out of my anger & giving me a good laugh!

In other news, my Mother & her partner have gone on a 3 day holiday & have taken my baby brother, Lucas with them. I get to hold the fort in the absence.
"& Don't forget to feed the animals!"
I'll fucking feed HER to the animals one day.

ALSO! Hinder Tonight at Luna Park With Ash (My awesome Awesome Sister Who is awesome beyond all belief.) & Val. Her Friend.

AAAALSO!

I get to see MCR with Viv! =D

It's all happening.

Why is my journal being most uncool

& posting shit as a giant fucking wall of text with no apparent structure?

/sigh.

Just Talk Yourself Up

And Tear Yourself Down... Woooooooooooooo! Paramore tomorrow night!!! Thus, I win! But right now, I'm bored brainless. help! there isnt even anything to talk about that's worth talking about.