JesM

Is there a person here who understands why it is that the people who "love" us are the ones that are sure to inflict the most mental, emotional & possibly even physical pain?
Sure, I understand the idea that because we feel so strongly for them, every tiny let down feels like your soul is playing host to its own private apocalypse, but does that really explain the damage we do to each other? Or is it perhaps nothing more than a logical explanation that we use as a scapegoat, to mask our true intentions?: We are all Miserable.
I want you to be as miserable as I am, & I won't relent until you too hate yourself & want to die.

Sometimes, It feels as though the agony we visit upon each other is completely premeditated.
Calculated fastidiously to hit that tender spot, to make sure it really fucking slices through the bones.
All plans revised, & revised again. No room for error in the latest war strategy.
I sometimes even catch myself doing it.
"If I wear THAT dress, it's SURE to make him insane with jealousy!"
I am forced to stop & ask myself, WHY do I want him to be jealous?
Is it because I want him to see how lucky he is to have me?
So he sees just how many men & women I can persuade into checking me out by revealing a particular feature? How I can make them intrigued, "I wonder what she's like..."
Do I want him to think that he is disposable? That I can have someone else If he pisses me off enough?
Maybe I want him to think I'm looking for someone else in the hopes that he will double his attentions & affections toward me in a desperate bid to keep me?
Do I do it so that I dont make HIM jealous, but others jealous that I am with him. Do I want him to be proud of me?
I'm never really certain what my true motivation is.
I like to think that it is because I want his pride & adoration, that I want others to be jealous of HIM, but who am I kidding?
I'm not exactly the best looking girl around, & I'm sure he could find someone far more physically attractive.
Which always leaves me with the somewhat unpleasant conclusion of "I want him to see that other people desire me, so that he will still desire me, & I want to feel desired."...
Dressing sexily is a fantastic way for me to highlight my shockingly low self esteem.
Because of this, I avoid going "out" as much as possible. Good thing I'm broke, It's a great excuse. Sounds better than "I'm fat & my skin is breaking out & I have no breasts & everyone thinks I'm ugly"
Bottom line, I'm miserable with who I am & what I look like, & I want him to be miserable too.

Another Idea is that its simply a bizarre mating ritual people have concocted over the years.
You fuck with each others feelings.
You fight.
You fuck.
Which would suggest to me that people are incredibly angry beings, & need to be able to express rage in an appropriate manner (sex) or we go insane & start really fucking things up, & that anger is an incredible aphrodisiac.
People like to be angry.
It feels good to hurt things.
It feels good to have rage sex.

Whatever the reason, my masochist loves it, my sadist hates & loves it, my feminist REALLY hates it, my depression couldn't give a shit, nothing matters anyway cos we're all rotting meat & the conscious me has no idea what to think.
I am tired & I have a headache.
I have just taken a serious blow to the heart from the one I love & who 'loves' me.
Oh, how he hurts me.
Hate doesn't even begin to cover how I feel about him sometimes.
But when I think about NOT having him... I feel ill. & afraid...The makings of an anxiety attack!
It must be love?
Or I'm really severely fucked up, & should look into more more therapy.
/shrug
goodnight.